The first incident was with my grandson. He came home from school and was obviously 'out of sorts'. His behavior was seriously not consistent with his usual 'happy to share his day' attitude. In fact, according to his mom it bordered on downright rude and belligerent. When he had a full fledged meltdown she asked if he had had a 'rough' day? (Ya think???) He quickly informed her he didn't want to discuss it. She left it alone. When his dad got home he had calmed down enough to discuss it. Apparently there was a child being a bully to Parker at school. It was occurring during lunch and the recess following. Now, you and I would probably laugh at being called a 'water head' or 'ground beef', but to a sensitive 6 year old it was upsetting. Being shoved in the back as he was walking was upsetting as well. Parker and his parents discussed it and told him to ignore the bully.
What concerned me (in addition to MY grandson being picked on) was my daughter's initial reluctance to contact the teacher. She finally did with some encouragement and the teacher was appreciative. The bottom line was Parker didn't realize he could tell another teacher/lunchroom monitor on duty something that was going on. Add to that we emphasize to our kids not to tattle. They hear that at home and they especially hear it at school. The consequence of that is they don't know what to do and they internalize it.
As teachers, we don't want kids coming up all the time 'tattling' so we come up with clever little sayings like only interrupt/tattle if it's one of the three B's - blood, barf, body (part). We think those are so clever but we many times don't realize how we silence a child who needs to share about a bully. The child comes home, shares and it is up to the parent, the comforter, to address it with the school.
The second example of bullying was actually done in my opinion by a teacher, No, names weren't called, nobody was pushed in the back however, in a sense a teacher bullied a child. According to the definition of bullying: Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual.
Teachers many times use rewards and consequences to stop negative behaviors. These are typically harmless. My problem is that many times the consequence is not age appropriate thereby making it impossible for a young child to meet. There is so much research on age appropriate consequences that teachers should know better. In this situation, a child was denied the opportunity to participate in an extra 'fun' day. I can go along (sort of) with not getting to participate if the teacher had said, If this behavior continues, then you won't get to participate tomorrow. BUT, in this case the child didn't get to participate in an event at the end of the week based on behavior several weeks prior. As a 5 year old, she was to remember a reward three-four weeks out. (I might add the reward was secret.) Kindergarten children have no concept of time. They aren't being stubborn and choosing to not understand time, their little brains aren't developed yet to grasp the concept of time. So having them work towards something 3-4 weeks out is ludicrous. Add to that the 'offense' was extremely vague.
Again, my concern was that the parents, although divided on how to handle it, didn't feel they should fight for their child. They made the best of a bad situation but the child is confused about behavior and consequences. What she has learned was that you pay the price today for your behavior, but at the end of the month you may get penalized again - surprise. She learned that a teacher has the power to decide what happens and change the rules in the middle of the game.
With consequences we know they have to be immediate, or they lose their effectiveness and they have to be age appropriate. The expectations have to be clear. These parents owe it to their child to talk to the teacher and make their displeasure and disagreement made known. They aren't arguing with her daily discipline but with this secret, unknown motivational reward. The child clearly knows and understands the daily rules and consequences. Yes, life isn't fair but they will learn that in good time and don't need to learn it in kindergarten.
Teachers make mistakes, not intentionally but we do. We use our power sometimes against kids when we are tired, frustrated or don't know better. As parents we need to fight for our child, call the teacher out.
Other kids can be mean. Yes, we need to teach our children to ignore bullies, but we have to stand up for our kids too and let the teachers know.
I am passionate about kids (and adults) being treated nicely by other children and teachers. Life is short, hug your kids!
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