Mean Moms

My daughter was ranting the other day about the 'mean moms' at the dance studio.  They huddle in a corner and apparently discuss the little dancers.  Keep in mind they are 3 and 4 so they are really not dancing, but figuring out how to move across a floor on tiptoes and leaps while staying upright.  I am not knocking it at all, I love little dancers.  BUT they are brand new dancers, they have only been alive 3 or 4 years!   TOTAL!  They recently learned how to walk!

Is this a tendu?

Now to be fair, these moms talk about their own daughters too.  This always bothers me because many times, these girls will grow up to be the "mean girls" in school.  

We can teach our children to be kind and compassionate.  I love this from NAEYC, 10 Tips for Raising a Compassionate Infant, Toddler:

 Recent research shows that infants and toddlers are far more empathetic than we once thought.  While they have short fuses, and don’t cope well with sharing, they are capable of being compassionate. 

The article mentions 10 things parents can do to raise compassionate children. I didn't read talking ugly about other children as one of them.   Lots of easy things to do, but my favorite is #1.

I tell ya, that modeling the right thing is hard!

What if...they don't get the story?

I was observing a teacher a few years ago and she was doing a wonderful lesson on fables.  She was reading The Ant and the Grasshopper.  When she asked her 5-6 year olds about the moral, the lesson, their answer was priceless.  The children felt the ant was wrong to not share his food with the grasshopper!  The actual moral is to be ready, prepare for the future which the grasshopper obviously didn't do.  If you aren't prepared then you suffer the consequences.  When the teacher questioned them more, they responded that friends share. Pure and simple. The ant should have shared the food he gathered with his friend, the grasshopper, because his friend was busy playing.

Another teacher was working with 1st graders reading The Three Bears.  When the children were asked who was the character in the wrong, they unanimously responded with the bears!  What?   She had to spend 10-15 minutes guiding the conversation before they realized Goldilocks was at fault We don't go into the homes of people we don't know.  Some people call that breaking and entering! But in their young minds bears are scary and mean.

Zoey, my 4 year old grand daughter loves Frozen. Does she understand the deep meaning and how as adults we are thrilled that a princess didn't need a prince to save her? No, she doesn't but she loves the story and in time as she grows older and revisits Frozen she will get it. Through simple discussion her mom can lead her to understand a little deeper.

In all these situations, besides being funny, we realize children only have their background knowledge on which to rely. The deeper understanding comes a little later. In fact, Seeta Pai, vice president of research at Common Sense Media, an organization that rates and reviews all kinds of children's media, says that because of the logical and cognitive skills needed children might not be able to fully understand deeper meanings until about age 9.


Does this mean we don't read fables to children?  Do we stick with simplistic stories that do not require deep thinking?  No.  It is still important to expose children to fables and legends and all the other genres.  They may not get the symbolism of a poem, but they will hear the lilt and rhythm of the words.  They will understand stories at their level of understanding.  Through you talking with them, they may get a little deeper understanding.

Don't give up if your child misses the point.  At least you are exposing them to good stories!

That call was ...$$^##

Even if you are not a Cowboys' fan, or even if you don't like football, unless you lived in a vacuum you probably heard about "that" call.  Rather, the call that was reversed, overturned.  Not being a football expert, I don't understand the call, the reversal or even the hub bub over it.  Yes, there are those who think it cost Dallas the game, then there are those that say it shouldn't have come down to one call.  I really am not concerned about that, what I am concerned about is....you guessed it...the modeling.  Now before you sound like my kids and say, oh mom it's just football not school! hear me out.

I have written about the power of modeling.  We all have tales of our children doing something that we know we have modeled, intentionally or not.  I hear people yelling at the television and when calls don't go the way we want them to - we yell, That call was crap!  That ref is blind.   That ref is being paid off by.... Even more upsetting is when we carry that type of talk to friends, acquaintances who cheer for the opposite team.  Then we maturely(or not) call everyone idiots, stupid and my all time favorite, trolls! Wasn't it just the week before the same fans who felt jilted yesterday were calling another team out for being upset about their bad call.  But see that was okay because the earlier call went  in my favor. Yesterday's call went against me and my team.

When my son was in high school he got a suspension for telling a teacher a grade was bull crap.  Yea, proud mother moment.  I don't say that, his father doesn't say that but his baseball coach did.  We all adored his coach.  However, when a call didn't go the way he thought it should he would tell the umpire what he thought about the call.  The power of modeling!  I didn't think my son would adopt that behavior.  My son did go and apologize and it did lend itself to a discussion of respect and things we do not say.  But again, the power of modeling.

As hard as it is, forward to your child in preschool or other grades.  What we are modeling is calling 'crap' when things don't go our way.  When we don't get the answer we want, or think we deserve we yell and scream and call the other side idiots or trolls.  Teachers complain about children doing that all the time. They say kids need to accept when things don't go their way.  Interestingly, teachers behave that way too sometimes.  But how can we expect children to accept a call or an answer or decision they don't like when we adults we don't?

Man, that power of modeling is hard to remember.   Most children will do as we do rather than do as we say.  Ouch!

Marinate children....

...in higher-level vocabulary.   Don't you  just love that visual?  When you marinate something, it sits and soaks slowly, absorbing all the flavors in the  marinade.  This is actually a quote from  Pam Allyn, founder of LitWorld.Org, a nonprofit group that works to increase literacy among young people. The read-aloud can accomplish this.   Not only does reading aloud to children (even after they can read to themselves) build that background knowledge and increase vocabulary, there is research now that claims it also leads to a love of reading.

We know to get better at something you have to practice, you have to do it.  Reading is the same.  Sadly, children have very little time to read at school.  Of course that should be a top priority but instead the day is taken up with silly stuff instead of actual reading.  Nor do children have many opportunities to choose what they read at school.  What better place to let children choose the books they read than at home.   Even the youngest can choose a book.  What better way to end a day than to curl up and listen to an adult read a good book, with lots of expression and rich vocabulary.

You may be thinking, how can my 3 year old read.  Well, there are 3 ways to read a book.  You can just make up a story, turning each page.  You can look at each picture and create a story that goes with the picture.  Lastly, you can read the words.  All three are valid ways for young children.  Your young child can read to an even younger child!

Your 4 year old won't inform you you aren't playing doll house 'properly' if she hasn't been marinated in higher - level vocabulary.  

How can something so easy and fun like reading aloud have so many benefits!  It just does.
Don't take my word for how important reading aloud to children is.   Google it!

How Many Parenting Books Do You Have?

My oldest daughter, Emily, wanted to be a on pee wee drill team all through elementary school.  All her friends were on it.  We wouldn't let her participate.  She did participate in age appropriate tap and ballet classes.  I just had fundamental issues with pee wee football/drill team stuff.  She kept telling us that she would NEVER make cheerleader in middle school because only the girls who had been in peewee drill made it.  So be it then she wouldn't make it.  But, interestingly she did make and made it all through high school.  It would have been easy to cave and let her participate because anyone who was anyone participated in pee wee drill.  It seemed to be the thing to do.  We didn't cave and it still worked out.

I was in a book store recently and was overwhelmed by the number of parenting books available. There are books on how to raise every type of child imaginable.   There are books on how to raise the angry child, the stubborn child, the bilingual child, the child interested in science, the defiant child, the child with artistic potential, the obnoxious child (okay maybe not obnoxious) but seriously I was overwhelmed.  I didn't see a book on how to raise a normal child.  I wondered how many parents buy these books and turn their child into a defiant child.  Or how many parents walk out feeling like complete failures.

Parenting is made out to be so complicated.  If you don't have a college picked out before your child starts Kindergarten then you are a slacker.  If your child doesn't save 10% of his allowance he will never grow up to be fiscally responsible.   Your child only speaks one language?  Oh wow! There are enough parents at any little league game or dance studio to tell you how incompetent you are.

I am not saying if you teach your child another language or if you teach your child how to save money you are a bad parent.  Not at all.  There is a difference between exposure and teaching.  Even at that, if you want to teach your child some of these things, great but not at the expense of everyone's happiness.  If you don't do these things you are still a good parent.  And on a side note, I have met plenty of children who are in every type of class but could use a class on compassion for others.

Jennifer Senior in her article, For Parent Happiness is a Very High Bar, makes some very good arguments to slow down and take a deep breath.   I love what she says about focusing on "decency, a work ethic, love — and let happiness and self-esteem take care of themselves. I think if we all did that, the kids would still be all right, and so would their parents, possibly in both cases even better."

Imagine what our schools and playgrounds would look like if children came just with a sense of love and decency for each other and a sense to work hard on whatever they work on.  Maybe 2015 could be the year to focus on that!

In the mean time, take a deep breath and tell yourself you are a good parent!

The Single Most Important Activity is...

...reading aloud to your child.  I know, I know, I have said it before but it bares repeating because very few believe me.  It seems so easy, there are no worksheets, no quizzes, no way to measure how smart your child is.  And, let's face it, it's more impressive to say, We spell words every night, or My child has completed blah, blah phonics book, than to say, We just read every night.  

A friend of mine, a young mother, asked me what she could do to teach her three year old to read.  I think this mother was a little surprised when I told her, just read to her, talk to her.  This mother already does a fabulous job.  Her daughter has a great vocabulary for a three year old.

Take time to read the article, Reading Aloud to Children of All Ages or at least skim it and print out the books lists.  The article mentions several of the benefits but two particular benefits that lead to reading success are:

1. Reading aloud gives children background knowledge, which helps them make sense of what they see, hear, and read. The more adults read aloud to children, the larger their vocabularies will grow and the more they will know about the world and their place in it.
2. Reading aloud introduces the language of books, which differs from language heard in daily conversations, on television, and in movies. Book language is more descriptive and uses more formal grammatical structures.  Book language can throw a child off when he/she starts reading.

In addition to the above benefits it is so much fun!  Try it.  It is easy to stop reading aloud once your child starts reading.  Trust me, there are times you think, Thank goodness, he can read to himself! But your child can't read the books with the rich vocabulary.   More than likely, the books he reads will be very easy, limited in print.  

So don't stress over what all your friends are doing to get their child ready for reading and school. 

Get a book, get your child, snuggle up on the couch and just read!

5 Ways To Be a Better Parent

I love Jordan Shapiro and what he writes.   He is real and many times makes me think.  His article 5 Ways To Be a Better Parent is great.  If you don't read the entire article (it's what I call an easy read) at least read the first two paragraphs.  They speak to almost every parent I know.

I know that everyone can't fly to the Grand Canyon, but how can you show the world to your kids? How can you show your children compassion?  We all strive to do things better.   I tell teachers all the time that no parent wakes up, looks in the mirror and says, I am going to be a horrible parent today.  I am going to see how badly I can screw up my child.  Every parent does the very best with the tools they have.  Each of us tried to do things better or differently than our parents did.  I am sure my daughters have things they will do differently than I did.


So in these first few weeks of 2015 what are you going to do to be better?  Here are my top five:
1. Be in the moment.  Whether it's with friends, children, grandchildren, I will put the technology down and focus on the moment.
2. Have more fun.  When we are  together, I will try to be more spontaneous.  Stop and play a silly game.  If the house doesn't get cleaned, oh well at least we built a memory and had fun.  I can assure you my kids remember things we did together more than how clean our house was!
3. Have friends/family over even though my house isn't perfect.  I still need flooring but that may be awhile.  I may be dead before I get it!
4. Try new things, like foods, places, games, books and share those with my kids and grandkids.
5. Don't beat myself up when I mess up as a friend, family member, professional, parent or grandparent.  I will just start over the next day.

I wish #5 for all of you too.  I think with all the social media parents beat themselves up because they don't think they measure up to what's "trending" for parenting.  As teachers, we do a pretty good job making you feel like you have messed up your kids too.  Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug.
You are doing better than you realize.

One last thing, remember, kids are like people.  They have a hard time getting back to the routines after a break just like you do.   Cut them some slack.